soulmates

if you told me years ago that one day i'd be sitting down having casual conversation with someone i used to have feelings for, i'd tell you that would never happen. and yet four years later, i find myself having ice cream with an old friend, eating my own words. and my ice cream, of cos.

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when you invest feelings into a relationship, you think infatuation or the beginning of love is enough to conquer all. or else, all that time spent together is literally just a waste of time. and when things don't work out, you feel the pain deep in your core. you tell yourself you'd never find another guy like the one you'd just let slip away. you lie in bed for three days, crying your eyes till they swell shut, and you don't eat at KFC for a while becos it reminds you of that somebody. you'd think to yourself at that point: that boy was my soulmate. and you'd think to yourself four years down the road: we really had something special. we were genuinely happy; doesn't matter that the happiness was only on the surface, becos we had no worries other than the stress of being design school students. but at the end of it, we were merely kids. at 19 and 20, who gave a shit about what life has in store for us? you enjoyed his company, and you can only hope the feeling is mutual.

that kind of joy i experienced back then, it's an inexplicable feeling. it's not a calm kind of happiness, like the kind you'd share with your life partner.* it's the kind that shocks you to your bones, and makes your hair stand. you could only believe my words when you've felt the same with someone.

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today, after four years, i met someone who used to mean a lot to me; someone i ended my teenhood with. and it was more than fine. there was no awkwardness and there was no need to bring up our past cos we've both moved on. it was just two regular human beings, enjoying dinner and making casual conversation, catching up on life and things.

every relationship is a learning journey – and it sounds so fucking cliche to say so, but it really is. i can't say i'm much better than i used to be. i'm still not as communicative, i still don't like to talk about feelings. but i think it's getting better, and for that i have you to thank.

"soulmates are meant to teach you, not complete you."

so thank you. and i wish you nothing but happiness.

*p.s. just for the record i DO have passionate love for my boyfriend LOL THAT SOUNDS SO DISGUSTING but by calm i don't mean dead. i mean a steady kind of love, without all that "push and pull" kinda mind games.