this morning, while death by white lies was playing on my ipod, i had a minor flashback about my last relationship.
let me just set the scene: i went to the damn polyclinic in the morning just to get an mc, so i could spend a measly 3 hours with my then-boyfriend. i had to queue up with germy people for 2 hours to get an mc, which would be then put to use only at 3pm in the afternoon – people really do stupid things when they think they're in love. i remember that afternoon very vividly, the bus ride over to his place (i used to think it was fate that we both lived in the same residential town. how lame is that?), the heat while i stood waiting outside to condo to be brought in. some times there are just hints that let you know the entire relationship is built on lust (??? we were 19, what did we know about love??? the relationship certainly didn't move mountains. and also i was slightly chubbier then, so i knew he was attracted to my chest), but just the feeling of knowing someone wanted to hold hands with you would cloud your hindsight + foresight + insight, so much so that you're willing to pretend that the whole thing was "love". even when the person doesn't let you hang out much with his friends, or when they say nasty things about you and he doesn't defend you, or while his arms are around you, he's texting other girls. i mean it's fine now, years have passed between me and him, but i'm just someone who bears grudges.
who would've thought that just one song on my playlist would spiral into an entire blog post dedicated to an ex? i certainly didn't see it coming. but while the song was playing, i realized that the more unhappy i was, the more i tended to hold on to the intangible stuff. random flashbacks of how our time was spent (secretly, no less), feelings that have no reason to still be lingering, etc. you get the drift. i waited a year and a half to throw out the tangible stuff, not that there was many. it was just a leather bound notebook he made for me while on exchange, and i think that was about it. but it takes a lot longer to get rid of the intangible. some experiences just cannot be recreated, and while everyone has moved on, there will just be a part of you that stays tied down to that intangibility.
it's not a feeling of wanting to get back together – god forbid it ever happens. it's a feeling of knowing i've lost, and while it may sound sick, i viewed the relationship as a competition. if his sidechick has a more impressive chest (and trust me, i've seen it all on her twitter), mine has to be more prominent. if she has knowledge of indie music, i will literally spend hours scouring for more underground playlists. if she's skinny,... well i want to be skinny too but i love carbs too much.. but at least i have boobs????? and that's just the tip of the iceberg of how competitive i can be.
maybe that's what ruined the relationship, not that the whole thing was built to last. i'm not saying i was a perfect companion, but i'm saying i did everything i did because of his actions. who could accept their boyfriend's eyes following the trail of a skinny girl dressed in a tank top with half her bra sticking out? you could've collected his saliva in a bowl, i swear.
and despite all i've done, i still lost out to the other girls. and that i cannot take lying down. for years, i've prayed to god to help me to forgive him, and myself, so i can put this whole thing behind me for good. but then from time to time i still get these things come back to me, and i cannot accept i've lost the game.
there is an upside to this lame-ass teenage 'love' story, though. it's that i got myself a damn good music playlist, and 5 years down the road, i'm still listening to the same music.
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